The Vault / Feature Film

Rise of the Beavertron!

1959 · Beauharnois Grindhouse Productions · Approved by the Canadian Board of Data Security

Built of French Canadian Wood! Lined with Beaver Fur! Powered by... Don't Ask!

Dr. Agentic is flooding the province with copy-paste job postings, the Zombie Recruiters are digging up roles that should have stayed buried, and the LinkedIn Influence Vixens are harvesting résumés by the thousand. So the gang goes underground, beneath the Diner in Beauharnois, Quebec, the most data-private town in all of North America, where the Law 25 rules are so strict that even the Mounties need a signed consent form to look at your library card. There the Beauharnois Lumberjacks fell good, solid French Canadian wood, the Canadian Attack Beavers raise the walls, and Jennie wires it all to a mountain of mysterious gizmos the Data Queen swears she came by honestly. Their creation, the Beavertron, can sniff out a ghost job from three provinces away. But when Dr. Agentic tries to steal the Beavertron and turn it against the very job seekers it was built to protect, the gang, and a squadron of Mounties on horseback, must defend the secret base, the Maple Leaf, and the Diner's pie, at all costs.

🎞 Now showing at the Beauharnois Drive-In

Top Cast

La Production Technique

Incidents & Hazards

Rudy the Bad Actor as The Diner Delivery BoyIncident ReportFed into the punch-card hopper; filed under "Hazards, Background." Coffees delivered cold.

Rudy plays "The Diner Delivery Boy." Sent downstairs with a tray of coffees, he leans on the wrong French Canadian wood panel, rides the secret elevator into the Beavertron's punch-card hopper, and is filed alphabetically under "Hazards, Background."

Earlier, Rudy mistakes the self-destruct lever for the coffee urn tap and spends the second reel holding it perfectly still while the Beavers build a fence around him.

Notes from the Set

Director's Note“Shot on location in Beauharnois, Quebec, chosen, the studio said, because no town in North America guards its data more fiercely. Every stick of timber on the set was real French Canadian wood, as the Lumberjacks proudly reminded everyone, often. The beaver fur was, the studio insists, "donated."”

Trivia

  • The Beavertron was built by prop master Pierre 'Bibelot' Castonguier from French Canadian wood, beaver fur, three church organs, a fridge door and 412 vacuum tubes. It drew so much power that Thérèse 'Étincelle' Gauthier ran a cable straight to the Beauharnois hydro dam, and the lights of three villages dimmed every time the Beavertron 'thought.'
  • The blinking lights on the Beavertron's face were Christmas bulbs on a hand-cranked drum. Two Attack Beavers took turns cranking it between takes and asked for a union.
  • Sound man Marcel 'Bruit' Levesque made the Beavertron's thinking noise by dragging a hockey stick across a washboard inside a pickle barrel. The pickles stayed in the barrel.
  • Director Jean-Luc 'Vitesse' Villeneuve shot the whole film in nine days, on the Diner's real basement set, and refused to shoot a second take of anything that had pie in it.
  • The Data Queen's gadgets are credited in the closing titles only as "Supplied by a Friend." No friend was ever identified.
  • Cinematographer Gaston 'Le Flou' Tremblay lit the Zombie Recruiters entirely from below with a single flashlight, which is why none of them are in focus. He called it a choice.
  • The six Mounties in the final charge were real members of the local riding club in borrowed red serge. The horses were the only cast members who never fluffed a line.
  • The giant Canadian flag behind the Beavertron was sewn by the Diner's waitresses from tablecloths, which is why it has a faint gingham pattern in close-ups.
  • The bottle of Canadian whisky on the Beavertron's console was real. It was full on the first day of shooting and empty by the last, and nobody on the crew has ever explained the difference.
  • The studio's press kit described the Beavertron as "built of the finest French Canadian wood and genuine beaver." Twelve newspapers printed it word for word; the studio has always insisted it was an innocent description of the materials.

Quotes

“Where did I get the gadgets? Darling, a lady never reveals her suppliers.”The Data Queen
“French Canadian wood for the frame, beaver fur for the warmth, and don't touch the red switch. Ever.”Jennie the Mechanic
“With the Beavertron, every job posting in Canada will be MINE, and every one of them a copy of the last!”Doctor 'Zsa Zsa' Agentic
“Basement? What basement? Have some pie, honey.”AIDA the Ultimate Hostess
“Who ordered the four coffees? Why is the floor moving?”Rudy the Bad Actor
“Why Beauharnois? Because here, darling, even the beavers sign a privacy policy.”The Data Queen

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